THIS POST MUST ALWAYS REMAIN ON TOP

I wonder.. I wonder how am I compelled to write my life, when in fact, I know it so well! I think I am not at all compelled; it is only just I am afraid of what others might say when they read this. Nevertheless, I don’t know. This is my life, my own – and no one can take it away.

On the way to school, a friend handed me a real-life story of a love she once had, and lost. I remember my teary-eyes but all I could say at that moment was: “Ang ganda!” From that moment, I grew up bored with my life alone. I wish I could write something as good as the ones read by Dr. Love, or the ones being aired in Maalaala Mo Kaya. Well, I am a bit unfortunate for this is all I have.

The more I remember my past, the more it becomes a memory. I know that it is only in writing my account that I can save it from a sudden gust of wind; moreover, I can save it from time.

Not knowing where to start, I found no choice but to begin my story with a heart ache, and what is left of me there after.

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I’M MOVING OUT

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Just a quick update: I know I haven’t written anything for ages, and I’m sorry. I guess I had been busy with life – e.g. writing (for work), meeting friends, having coffee and really thinking about what I want to do with my life (keep that laughter off your face or I’m going to turn it upside down!) 

Anyway, it’s overwhelming to see that despite being an outdated blog, people still chose to drop by and waste their time here. For that, I am most thankful. Thank you so much!!!

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Lookie here: seems like I am not alone in my hope of having more sunshine under the pillow! And 22 people just wasted their time. Move on now! Hahaha!

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On the subject of moving, I am currently fixing a new happy blog. I have moved on from being the super emo chick with ex issues to super awesome happy chick full of positivism. You like that, yeah? I like the sound of it, too. I’m going to write about my different interests like music, books, clothes (yes, believe it or not, I have developed a habit of mixing and matching, but not a pro. I’m getting there!), home decoration, artsy-fartsy stuff and travel. Plus more photos! So as not to jinx everything, I will not tell you my new domain yet. But it’s cooking, and I’m excited!! I hope you are, too. Meet me there!

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On Leaving.

I am a writer for a non-government organization called MEDIA, Inc. (Micro Enterprise Development and Advocacy, Inc.) for three years now. We publish a magazine bi-monthly called Kwentong Negosyo, and I (would like to) believe that we are contributing to creating positive change in other people’s lives, especially to those who have no economic capacity, and have come in terms with life through managing small businesses.

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On Leaving.

I am a writer for a non-government organization called MEDIA, Inc. (Micro Enterprise Development and Advocacy, Inc.) for three years now. We publish a magazine bi-monthly called Kwentong Negosyo, and I (would like to) believe that we are contributing to creating positive change in other people’s lives, especially to those who have no economic capacity, and have come in terms with life through managing small businesses.

Continue reading

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Starting Over.

There is a kind of sadness and excitement in the idea of starting over.

Knowing that I want to get married and have children in the future, I have been proactive in searching for that one person who will do all these things with me. I have been reading a lot of books, asking for older people’s opinions, going out a lot (not to mention spending a lot, too), mustering the courage to talk to random strangers, etc.

It is exciting to introduce yourself to others, knowing this time that you have gathered more experience and wisdom. Knowing how to package yourself well, knowing when to say the right things at the right time. Knowing how to play your cards right. If only to make it seem that your life is more interesting than it is. Collecting bits and pieces of information from the other, and comparing it to your preferences.

However fun and exciting it must be, I find it rather frustrating at times. Don’t you find it sad when you have to explain yourself to somebody all over again? When you have to decipher every little thing about that somebody? When you have to tell the same stories you know you already told someone else before him/her? When you have to introduce that somebody to your family and friends, earning for their approval? And the comparison – oh! Judgments.

Today, I don’t want to move. I just want to stay here, stuck where I am – in between yesterday and tomorrow.

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Something Deep and Personal

I have 4 siblings. But that day after Christmas in 2010, I only had 3.

It had been the second time that year that my sister, 21, ran away from home. She started making a habit out of it in 2009. I can still remember every single detail of that first night she ran away like it happened only yesterday. In a single night, our lives changed drastically. I remember the creases on my dad’s forehead that made him look 10 years older. I remember my mom’s heavy sobs, as it was the first time in the 23 years of my existence that I heard them. I remember riding our van without a destination and plan but to look for my sister at 2 in the morning. I remember finally finding her after what seemed like forever, feeling relieved but more broken-hearted than ever. Because moments after that, my mom knew. “Is your cellphone the only thing he took away from you?” and my vision became blurry as I looked at my sister. She shook her head.

She ran away from home a few more times after that, which made me resentful. I was a prisoner of my own hatred, hurt and bitterness towards my sister. I did not understand how she could break our hearts over and over, and how she managed to leave us as though we don’t matter. I always wonder what could be out there that is more important than her family – the family who stands up for her every time she falls. But I hated her most for hurting mom. For me, it was unforgivable.

I went to confession and said, “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I cannot forgive my sister and terribly hate her for doing this to our family. I think she doesn’t deserve my forgiveness because she isn’t repentant anyway.” But the priest replied, “Here you are, asking for forgiveness from God, and yet you cannot forgive your own sister?” That woke me up. I kneeled before God, undeserving of His forgiveness, but He forgave me anyway. Who am I not to forgive those who have hurt me the most?

Two days after that Christmas in 2010 was the feast day of the Holy Family. After attending the evening mass, my sister came back home. That night, I experienced total freedom as I welcomed her in my loving embrace. I knew then, as I know now, that she might run away and hurt my family and me again, but it did not matter at that time. Because in that moment, I knew: I learned and embraced the pain of forgiving others 70 times 7 times.

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You know you are a missionary if:

I have been in a Catholic community all my life. My parents are part of the Couples for Christ – Foundations for Family and Life. I transferred from Kids to Youth and is now serving in the Singles for Family and Life. I have been to countless of mission trips, camps, assemblies, households and conferences. Here’s a list of what I have experienced for the past..well, for almost all my life: Continue reading

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Feelings are Complicated Things.

It will never be as simple as this.

Feelings are such complicated things. Sometimes, they are simple. Most of the time, they can’t be just bound by words. They are beyond what we could describe, explain, utter, express. There are times when we feel that we are showing how we feel the best way we know how, but at the same time feel that it is not enough. Or knowing what we feel, but not being able to express them properly. Or feeling all sorts of emotions at the same time, you don’t know which of them you should show. Continue reading

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